That’s right folks, it’s time once again for the most electrifying weekend in sports entertainment history. Bigger than the World Series, MORE POWERFUL THAN THE SUPER BOWL, AND MORE VIOLENT THAN ALL THE WORLD WARS COMBINED, IT’S WRESTLEMANIA!

This year’s Showcase of the Immortals comes to you from some fancy ass new stadium in California which means all the corporate big wigs will be stealing the good seats and the REAL rasslin’ fans will be relegated to sitting out near Oakland and are likely to be knifed in the process.

Lucky for you and I, we’ll be watching safely at home on the WWE Network for just, say it with me now, $9.99!

And what a show it’s lined up to be. Sting for the first time in a WWE ring. Brock Lesnar fresh off a new contract signing. The Primetime Players in a battle royal. What more could you want!

Without further ado, here are my bold predictions for the evening’s matches, presented in order of what match I’m most looking forward to, to the least.

Sting vs. Triple H

I think we’re all looking forward to this if only to see Sting in a WWE ring. One thing to keep in mind, this will likely be the longest singles match for Sting in over 15 years, and he’s on the wrong side of 50. I expect the crowd to be white hot for this one the whole time with plenty of bats and sledgehammers to boot. Will it be an all-time classic, flawlessly wrestled match? No, but it will be one of the most memorable matches in ‘Mania history.
Prediction: Sting

Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns

This gets vaulted up to No. 2 on my watch list because of the contract Lesnar signed earlier this week. Prior to that it was near set in stone that Reigns would win, and now uncertainty is in the air. I just don’t think WWE can let Lesnar lose here. He’s beaten The Undertaker and pounded John Cena, twice. You can’t just have him drop the strap and lose all that invincibility to Reigns. His time will come, but not tonight.
Prediction: Lesnar

Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match

Holy hell is this going to be fun. An absolute spot-fest with arguable the three best wrestlers on the roster all in this match. The build to this match has been terrific too, bringing back the classic trope of, “I’m stealing the belt because I should be champ.” I’ll most closely be watching Dolph Ziggler, Daniel Bryan, and Dean Ambrose. Regardless of who wins, those three, with maybe Bad News Barrett thrown in makes for a fun IC title scene after.
Prediction: Daniel Bryan

Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins

This has the chance to be another show stopper of a match, despite my hatred of Randy Orton, he can go. The same goes for Seth Rollins, despite my hating him less than Orton. Foul play will be a factor in this one with J&J Security at ring side.
Prediction: Rollins, with help from his friends

The Undertaker vs. Bray Wyatt

The build to this match has been…not fun. At least Wyatt (finally) cut a good promo this past Monday leading up to this match. What worries me more than anything is that ‘Taker is in for two dud matches in a row at ‘Mania. Last year’s match truly wasn’t bad, but the crowd for it was so dead it felt lousy. This year, he steps into the ring with a guy who I can’t recall ever having a good match. I do not understand all the hype and craze surrounding Bray Wyatt. He’s boring and even worse, a boring wrestler.
Prediction: Undertaker

Tag Team Titles Match

Fuck…ummm who’s all in this again? Does’t matter, Kidd and Cesaro win and retain. They seem to be the only tag team fans care about at the moment.

John Cena vs. Rusev

John Cena is going to win and it makes no sense, and there is zero reason for him to win. Just like last year against Bray Wyatt. Dumb.
Prediction: John Cena

AJ and Paige vs. The Bella Twins

So it’s Wrestlemania and the only Diva’s match is a tag match, and not for the Diva’s Championship? So much for all that “Give Diva’s a chance!” stuff. Admittedly these are probably the best four women on the roster, but what is there really to be interested in?
Prediction: AJ and Paige when Brie turns on Nikki.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Ummm…I always am way more excited for these kinds of matches until they actually happen. Then it turns into a boring clusterfuck and you never know where to look. That said WWE could make this a fun ending. Have it get down the The Miz, Mizdow, and any jabroni of your choice, then let Mizdown knock them both out, causing the split between the two and setting up for a rematch the next night on RAW.
Prediction: Mizdow

BONUS: Will Rollins cash in?

No. But it would awesome if he tried and Lesnar just throttled him.