It’s December, it’s cold, and Christmas is just around the corner. What a wonderful time of the year.
Well allow me to ruin that by hating on some Christmas music.
As someone who was/is in one of the greatest Christmas bands of all-time, I feel I am more than qualified to tear down a few of these so-called “classics” that we hear 8 million times every holiday season.
To be fair, there are some good Christmas songs, but the problem is people start playing them a week before Thanksgiving, and there are only so many songs you actually want to hear or can stand to hear. Needless to say you get sick of it after six weeks of hearing the same 20 songs over and over again.
The final totals and order are in no way scientific, I put the unofficial voting up to my Twitter and Facebook accounts, and after all was said and done, it came down to two contenders for the worse Christmas song.
But before we get to those, let’s run down some of the others that received consideration.
Special Category: Songs about animals
Here’s a good rule of thumb for Christmas songs: If the song is not about reindeer, the only acceptable Christmas animal, probably don’t make it. That’s how you get these next three gems.
Thistlehair the Christmas Bear, Alabama
I am dating someone from Alabama, and by slandering the band that bears (get it?) her home state’s name I’m probably not getting any presents this year.
Apparently there’s a bear that lives on the edge of town? I won’t lie, I was laughing out loud the first time I heard this song, it’s that dumb. It gets bonus bad points for using rejected music from the Legend of Zelda video game series.
Dominick the Donkey
I’m pretty sure this song is racist.
It’s about an Italian donkey named Dominick who apparently is only needed in Italy because it has hills or something. Also, any song where verses are, “La di da, da da da da” means you ran out of lyrics and were just trying to fill time.
Hippopotamus for Christmas, Gayla Peevey
I think this is actually a young Jennifer Nettles singing this, that’s how obnoxious her voice is.
I think a hippo is literally the last animal I would want for Christmas.
The worst of the rest
These were songs that garnered a few votes here and there, and some of them are valid, others are just haters (it me) who only dislike a song to be a contrarian.
All I Want for Christmas is You, Mariah Carey
Now before you knock on my door and threaten to kill me for putting this on the list, please note it was not me who nominated this but a handful of people on social media. I think it’s a perfectly fine song, but I don’t need to hear it more than a handful of times over the season.
Could this video be any more 90s? The one-piece snowsuits really make it.
Do They Know it’s Christmas, Band Aid (1984)
Remember all those things we were just thankful for? Well now Bono and friends want you to feel like an asshole for having good things in your life while others don’t.
This video is an amazing time capsule though, I mean, the list of 80s stars in this is about as good as it gets.
They also remade this in 2014, and it might be worse, but we’ll go with the original because I’m in charge.
Baby, It’s Cold Outside, Margaret Whiting and Johnny Mercer
This is a touch on the rape-y side. The lady lives with her parents, if she stays the night, given that this was made in 1949, her dad will be there the next morning with a gun.
Also, it’s only cold outside. They mention that the weather is snowing once. This guy’s entire reason for getting her to stay is that it’s cold. They make heaters in cars.
Last Christmas, WHAM!
I’ll be honest, this is in my Top-10 best Christmas songs, but people seem to hate this one for some reason. Again, I’m just putting down what the people said.
Also, George Michael bringing a woman back to a run-down ski lodge is LOL.
The Chipmunks Song, Alvin and the Chipmunks
Like nails on a chalkboard.
This is like a joke that somebody made to try and be funny. It’s not. It’s just obnoxious.
Those were the main ones people argued about, but the next two, oh the next two…
The Worst of the Worst
These were the only two songs it came down to, the Christmas music equivalent of Golden State Warriors and Cleveland Cavaliers, they’re really the only two with a shot.
Christmas Shoes, various artists
Holy shit. This is the most depressing song I’ve ever heard.
Apparently the boy from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory needs to buy his dying mom some shoes for Christmas. Christmas songs are not meant to make you feel like shit. This song does a damn fine of making you feel horrible. Ugh.
But. KNOWING KIDS THESE DAYS THE MOM ISN’T DYING AND HE’S JUST TRYING TO GET A DISCOUNT! #StayWoke
Wonderful Christmas Time, Paul McCartney
The Beatles, much like Michael Jackson, get a pass all the time simply because they make so many hits, that when they do drop a stinker like this people just talk themseleves into thinking it’s actually good.
This song is basically every noise 8-year-olds make when they get a Casio keyboard for Christmas, only it has Sir Paul “singing” the words, “SIMPLY HAAAVING A WONDERUFL CHRISTMAST TIME!” over and over. This song is the exact opposite of having a wonderful Christmas time.
This song makes me physically angry when I hear it, it’s that bad.
So there it is, some of the worst Christmas songs of all-time. Agree? Disagree? Did I leave anything out? Let me know, and enjoy the holidays! But not by listening to these songs (except for WHAM!).