Happy Monday, digital friends.
This is the first post in an ongoing series I’m calling Fandom 101. For years, the people have been clamoring for a prophet to come down from on high and tell them how to enjoy sports the correct way. Who better to give the gassy, bloated, knuckle dragging public what they want than a gassy, bloated blogger from the coast?
We’re right in the middle of the NFL Playoffs, so there’s clearly no better time to reach out to those fans stuck supporting bottom feeders. Let’s talk about how to root for a bad team.
Having been a fan of some very bad teams in the past, I can tell you that drinking as much as possible before and during the game is a great place to start. Use public transportation or a designated driver to get you to your location so you can really pound as much liquor as you possibly can. And get creative! A tall boy you slide into a brown bag and down on the train will be one less beer you have to buy once inside the arena.
And get creative! A tall boy you slide into a brown bag and down on the train will be one less beer you have to buy once inside the arena. Beers chugged from funnels are twice as strong as normal ones. Jello shots are alcohol you can consume while eating other, non-alcoholic foods.
Let’s be honest: your team is garbage so it doesn’t matter how much of another stroke-inducing loss you remember. You’ll have just as much fun if you drink more, provided you don’t end up in jail.
EAT BETTER GARBAGE
For folks tailgating games they’re going to attend, the options in this category are limited to the usually delicious roster of cook out burgers and dogs. This is more intended for those who are watching the game in the comfort of their own home rather than making an entire day out of watching their boys get their cocks kicked in.
If you make or order a special meal to enjoy during the game, you’ll at least associate your squad’s routine drubbing with something delicious. After particularly bad games, it could give you just enough satisfaction to not abandon your team entirely. It will also soak up some of the alcohol you consumed per our previous point.
You don’t want to watch these games with fans of the opposing, better team who just won’t shut the fuck up about it afterward. It gets really annoying and it’s best to just avoid if you’re going to get as drunk as I earlier suggested. Remember, the point is to NOT get arrested.
Keep your gathering to a small group of like-minded people. Use it as a time to practice your over the top reactions to bad play while speculating on the following:
- Why all the coaches haven’t been fired
- The draft
- Potential moves in free agency
- Untrue rumors you read on twitter
- What you would do if you bought the team
POST GAME SOCIAL MEDIA
Tweeting at players to tell them how much they suck always makes you look like a jackass. Don’t do it. Or do, I don’t care, that’s just one more jackass to laugh at online.
Your best bet is to maybe stay off social media until you sober up a little bit there, big guy.
The key to being a fan of a bad team is to have totally blind optimism that something unlikely will happen, then to get unreasonable upset the moment that it doesn’t. Repeat this every time your team plays.
This is where a normal person would explain how sports are just a game, and how this kind of behavior is probably unhealthy. That person is an idiot and you should not listen to them.