It’s Super Bowl week, and chances are you’ve already made plans for the game, likely either hosting or going to a party to watch the game.
First off, if you’re hosting the party, shame on you, everyone knows it’s way better to sit at home in the quiet and comfort of your own place, with your own toilet and not having to deal with a dozen other people. And if you want people to come over, try and limit it so it doesn’t turn into a full-blown party.
But should you host or go to a Super Bowl party this week, I am here to help you prepare for all of the jabronis you’ll meet at the party.
Maybe this is you, but the host will be extra chipper and constantly checking on things or trying to fix this to make sure everyone is having a good time. They will be annoying and constantly making loud statements about what new food is ready or asking if anyone needs anything roughly 235 times over the course of the game. If you’re lucky, they’ll be super relaxed and sitting in the good chair so nobody argues about who gets it and then just tell you beer is in the fridge and to help yourself to the food.
The Super Fan
As soon as you walk in you’re bound to see some nut wearing their Falcons/Patriots gear like they’re on the team or in the stadium. Do not sit near this person unless you enjoy being near someone jumping up and down, whooping and hollering and screaming about the refs for four hours. Bonus points if they paint their face.
Also, thank God the Steelers aren’t in the Super Bowl this year so you don’t have some asshole waving a towel around all game long.
There’s always one who can’t just sit and enjoy the game but needs to have extra action on the game. This person will likely have sheets of paper in their hands the whole game and will have bets on the National Anthem length, color of the Gatorade, how many points people with odd numbers score, basically anything and everything you can wager money on. Pro tip: If you decide to gamble on the Super Bowl and don’t traditionally gamble, limit it to a squares pool, that’s usually cheap and completely random so your odds are as good as anyone else’s.
It’s a Super Bowl party, the easiest thing to do is keep it simple. Wings, pizza, nachos, maybe sandwich stuff. But there’s always one who tries to wow everyone with some crazy recipe for Chilean Sea Bass Fries or some shit like that, please don’t. Then they’ll ask everyone at the party if they tried their dish yet. If you do make something fancy, just make it a dip that everyone can try, and if there’s leftovers, you can eat it at home.
Chances are there will be on at the party, and chances are they will not touch any of the food mentioned up above. And then they will complain that you didn’t think to consider them. They’ll probably sit at the end of the couch all pissed off, eating a bag of kale chips and drinking water.
It’s a party, and someone will treat it like they’re in a college frat house watching the game. They’ll bring over a case of Bud Light that has 13 of the 24 beers remaining, and probably a fifth of some shitty booze asking people to do shots, it will probably be Fireball. They will only get worse as the night goes on and will probably need to be driven home. Don’t be the drunk, we’re all adults, act like it.
People Who Only Watch the Commercials
Fuck these people. First off, 90 percent of the commercials each year are trash and not funny. Yet, these people will cackle like a maniac at the stupid Doritos and Taco Bell commercials that we get every year. Worse, when the game is in a commercial is when people generally talk about the game or other things, this person will try and shush everyone. Somehow they’ve ended up with the remote and the volume for the commercials shakes the walls.
People Who Don’t Like Football
They were probably dragged there by a spouse or significant other, or maybe they’re that person at work who just happened to be around when the host invited a whole bunch of people and felt compelled to come so they don’t feel rude. They’ll either sit there quietly just enjoying food, or they’ll have a bunch of questions about everything. Worse, if they decide for that one night of the year to get REALLY into the game.
The Guy Who Played Football
This guy is now 38, hasn’t played organized football in 20 years, but will sit there and act like he’s an expert on the game despite never having sniffed an NFL roster. They will try and explain all the intricacies of the game, or break down plays like an even bigger asshole version of John Madden. You’re allowed to tell this person to shut up after the third thing they try and explain, that everyone obviously already knows.
There are probably more, but those will be the most common. Beware, and be safe when you encounter these jamokes on Sunday.