Let’s rank the national pizza chains

It’s National Pizza Day! A day so loved that we probably shouldn’t be working during it. That’s typical baby boomer behavior, have a great day like this and try to sweep it under the rug and hope we don’t notice.

Well guess what? We did. Earlier today RT Walsh ranked the best pizza toppings, so I’m here to rank the whole pie, as designed by the places you can order pizza from anytime or anywhere.

Now, before we get to the list, let’s explain how we came to this conclusion and rankings.

  1. Taste. Obviously, it has to taste good, but since this is pizza it all usually tastes pretty good even when it’s bad, so we put some stock in this but not as much as one might think.
  2. Cost. We’re all probably somewhat poor by pay standards (BUT RICH WITH LIFE!) so we want as much pizza as possible for as little money as possible.
  3. Ease of acquiring. Whether that’s a drive-thru, online ordering, delivery, make it easy for me to get pizza. And if you can do it fast, all the better.

So that’s our criteria. Let’s get to ranking.

6. Papa John’s


It’s trash, it’s expensive, and Papa John is a terrible person. Don’t order Papa John’s unless you do it as a prank for someone you hate. Also, Peyton Manning’s face looks like he stuck it in one of the ovens at Papa John’s.

5. An old boot


Anything is better than Papa John’s. Moving on!

4. Pizza Hut


Ah Pizza Hut, the pizza of so many childhood birthday parties and lunch buffets when you wanted to almost die for $8. I remember Pizza Hut being good when I was growing up, but the last few times I’ve been there or ordered it as an adult it has been pretty closet to awful. The toppings are subpar, and it’s almost as expensive as Papa John’s. They do have a very good pan pizza crust though, very buttery.

3. Papa Murphy’s


The place most of us have never had! But let me tell you, they make a pretty good pizza! It’s not super expensive, is pretty dang big, and has good toppings, but it loses major point on the convenience and quickness scale. See, if you’ve never been, you go there and they make you a pizza that’s raw. So you have to bring it home and cook it yourself. That’s annoying, and doubly so are their odd hours, but that may be for the best so stoners don’t come in at 1am wanting a pizza then not realizing it’s raw.

2. Little Caesars


Cheap? Check. Fast? Check. Lots of pizza and sides for little? Check. Quality? That depends on the day/time you go in there. $5 for a large pizza is a steal, as is $3.50 for an order of Crazy Bread and sauce. Plus, they usually have a drive-thru so it’s easy to pick up on a whim. But what keeps this place from the top spot is quality. See, while cheap it is “Hot and Ready” all day, meaning you might get a pizza hot out of the oven…or you might get one that’s been sitting in a heating box for an hour like at Walmart. And when that happens, hoooo boy is it bad. But again, it’s pizza, so even at it’s worst it’s not THAT bad.

1. Domino’s


Domino’s has it all. Online ordering, fast service, an online tracker, delivery, solid crust and sauce, good toppings, and it’s all cheap, with items usually between $5 and $7. Just a few years ago Domino’s was probably near the bottom of this list, then they did something crazy and listened to customers and the public and changed up their recipe to great acclaim and a surge in sales. Plus, because they were cheap and deliver, I’ll always have a soft spot for them thanks to college. You can a whole lot of pretty solid chain pizza and sides for under $20.

Also, you’ll notice that the Top-2 were both started in Michigan. So yeah, you’re welcome, America, for the greatest state in the union bringing so much pizza joy across the country.


3 thoughts on “Let’s rank the national pizza chains

  1. I’m just happy that you’ve put the Papa in the right spot. I always see them ranked high on these comparisons and I just don’t get it. I agree with you, they are trash and he’s a douch. HotSprots fixing the world, one injustice at a time.

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