Today in, ‘people from Michigan are fucked up’: We learn what “cranking” is

One strange thing I’ve learned as I’ve moved about the country is that people from the rest of the 48 continuous states don’t think Michigan has rednecks, white trash, hillbillies, or whatever your chosen vernacular may be.

They are wrong. Because once you get outside of Detroit, Grand Rapids, Lansing, and resort cities like Traverse City and Grand Haven, that’s pretty much all the state is.

Today’s gem comes from the Saginaw area, where a political hopeful gives us a lesson on what “cranking” is.

In a story from MLive, they report that Jordan Haskins, a 26-year-old who at one time was a candidate for a Michigan House seat as a member of the Republican party, gets his rocks off while “cranking.”

Again, from MLive, here is what “cranking” is:

Haskins has a criminal history involving multiple incidents of a fetish he refers to as “cranking.” The act entails removing a vehicle’s spark plug wires to make the vehicle run rough to help reach sexual self-gratification.

I don’t get it. Is this the male equivalent of when women sit on the washing machine to get off? If so, it seems like there are easier ways to do this, most of which don’t involve having to remove the spark plug wires from your car.

According to reports, he’s been caught doing this at least four times in government-owned cars. That’s one way of sticking it to the man I guess.

How does one even discover this type of fetish? You know what, I don’t want to know how they figure that out, because that’s pretty fucked up.

My home state is embarrassing.


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