UPDATE: The always reliable @_FloridaMan debunks this one. Turns out it was a fake that some British papers ran away with and suckered us in too. Sorry to disappoint you.
— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) May 30, 2017
If you want to see what the post said and just want a laugh, here was the original post:
Where will you be when diarrhea strikes?
For most people, the answer to that question is hopefully, “Not at the strip club.” But for dancers and patrons at an unnamed Jacksonville strip club this past week, they were not so lucky, as a suspected tainted buffet gave both the dancers and the people watching more than they bargained for.
Patrons at the venue who were sitting near the stage were the most directly affected by the incident, which occurred close to 11pm. According to a witness at the venue, three dancers were performing on separate poles when the first sign of trouble emerged.
“At first I picked up a bad smell; I thought maybe the guy next to me had farted,” said the witness, who declined to be named. “However, the smell got worse and I noticed that a lot of other guys were looking around to see what it was.”
And then, because we all needed to know what happened next, the article goes into great detail about the ensuing events. If you have a squeemish stomach, probably stop reading now, because it’s about to get bad.
It was at that point that the first dancer to suffer from diarrhea was unable to control her bowels any longer, and ‘a stream of brown liquid soon gushed over the stage,’ according to the witness. “It was absolutely disgusting,” he told journalists. “A number of guests immediately puked. I personally ran for the exit, I lost all interest in the show.”
That might be the greatest line in journalism history. Some poor reporters, plural, had to take this man’s play-by-play of a poor girl losing it on stage, and to top it all off, his first thought it, “WELL NIGHT IS RUINED, WHAT A TERRIBLE SHOW!”
The story goes on to say that they suspect the free buffet that the strip club was offering, complete with shrimp, is the suspected reason for the problem.
And it wasn’t just the dancers who were affected! Apparently a whole bunch of horny, hungry men also had the buffet, and caused a rush on the men’s room, which, according to the story, “Did not have enough stalls to cope with the sudden influx in demand.”
But don’t worry, the club owners took to social media and offered free entry to guests who were at the club at the time of the incident. Because yeah, if I was at a strip club where a bunch of dancers and customers literally crapped all over the place, I’d just be racing to go back ASAP.
The Harold Times reports that the club has been closed until further notice.
Let this be a life lesson for all you out there reading this who have never been to a strip club, and I say this as someone who has only gone once in his life: Unless it is a bachelor/bachelorette party, there is no good reason to ever go to a strip club.
And even worse than going to a strip club and spending all your money, is going to a strip club and eating the food offered up in a place that smells like death. Don’t do it.
And of course this happened in Florida, because where else would something like this happen?