Today I learned that lawnmower racing on ice is apparently a thing

ICE

Alcohol and idiotic white people have combined to give us some of the greatest sports known to man, like…well…really just NASCAR.

But while discussing different types of racing on Twitter today, myself and @Albolte both stumbled upon a video of some people up in New Hampshire who apparently have their own winter series of lawnmower races on ice, so now we need to dive deeper into this amazing sport that I just learned existed.

Well 13 seconds in they say these races are being broadcast on ESPN 8, The Ocho, so you know it’s a big-time event.

Right after that we get two mowers ripping around a corner in action that puts minor league indoor football to shame. They may be on to something here.

22 seconds in there’s a…highlight? of a guy plowing into a snowbank, so we know there are going to be lots of crashes in this.

At the 30 second mark we found out that one of the drivers has a “GAY PORN STAR” sticker on the back of his mower, so either he does this to make extra money, or somebody thought this would be a hilarious prank.

OK that’s actually a pretty wild crash at the 34 second mark.

It sounds like they took the announcers from actual NASCAR races and dubbed over their voices during the highlights to make it sounds more legit and exciting. Gotta commend the effort on their attempts to look authentic.

Holy crap, at the 50 second mark of this they really go all-in in trying to make you think the actual NASCAR announcers are calling this race. This is way too much effort for a highlight video of lawn mower racing on ice. They even have graphics telling you who each mower is that look really legit.

Oh yes. At 1:37 we get an interview with one of the driver’s and it is everything I hoped it would be. Both of these guys sound exactly how you expect a lawnmower racer on ice to sound.

At 2:45 we learn it’s a warm day in New Hampshire, which makes for more grip on the race track and should give us the best lawnmower racing on ice action we’ve ever seen.

OK there are way too many interviews with the drivers. Just give us one or two and get to the racing. I don’t need to hear from all 23 knock-off Canadians before they go out and race lawnmowers. On ice.

We get a close-up of the front of all the mowers involved, and I really enjoy that the “bumper” on some of these mowers is just a board that’s been nailed on. Must be an expensive sport to get into.

At the 4:25 mark the mowers FINALLY take the track and we’re ready for racing.

Holy crap they even put a not at all approved Bud Man graphic on the screen to make you think this is being sponsored by Budweiser.

Wait there’s only seven racers in this main event? That’s so disappointing. I was hoping for like 20 and just absolute chaos. Seven? Shoot, give me a mower and let me try.

And we finally find out that the track is just a mini oval that’s like 30 feet long, no right turns or jumps or anything else that’s super exciting. For all the hype and effort they put into this, the actual product has been a let-down so far. Or maybe it’s like NASCAR and they have a few road course races later on in the season.

And then on Lap 6 we get a red flag because the cars have ruined the track due to having snow tires on, and it being a warm day. Seems like a problem.

THEY DO 30 LAPS OF THIS JUNK ON THIS CRAPPY, TINY TRACK?!

And at the 7 minute mark we get a legit crash and the driver even manages to roll over his mower! That’s the kind of excitement we came here to see.

Following that crash we’re apparently down to just five mowers left. I wonder how well you could do in the points in this racing by just not crashing or having your mower die out. You’d have already moved up two spots in this race.

Dang that was an intense battle for the lead. Combine that with the fact that there’s a giant hole in the ice as they come out of Turn 2 and you never know what you might get. And then the guy who was leading the whole time crashes.

And the race ends with no drama.

Well, that was an exciting first tim watching lawnmower racing on ice, and it had all the action I hoped it would. If I’m ever up in New Hampshire, I’ll stop by for a beer.

OVERALL RATING: 7.5 out of 10.

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