***Please Dear God, for the love of all that’s holy, note that this is SATIRE and I don’t actually believe most of this.***
The race for the next President of the United States Soccer Federation has been narrowed down to a final eight, with Sports Illustrated doing a deep dive on what each of the remaining candidates could bring to the table.
But, in my opinion, there is one name missing from those eight, one person who should have run and would have won had they gone against all of these jamokes.
That’s right folks, Hillary Clinton.
She may have lost out on being President of the entire United States, but had she run for President of the USSF, arguably just as powerful as the regular presidency, she would lead American soccer to the promised land, and in record time.
Well how would someone with virtually sports, let alone soccer, knowledge make America Great For the First Time in soccer? Well I’m glad you asked.
Let’s start with the sport of soccer as a whole and FIFA. They’re both as rigged and scandal ridden as the day is long. Soccer and the World Cup have as much corruption in it as anything this side of the Olympics and elections.
Well, who better to navigate the tricky waters of paying out bribes in secret and getting all of the best soccer tournaments and players to the USA than CROOKED HILLARY?!
That’s right, nobody.
Those public money subsidies that cities get to build new stadiums with YOUR tax dollars? That would all go the USSF to pay for all of the things we need to make soccer OUR national sport.
Premier League? Bundesliga? Spanish Premiera? All of them will pale in comparison to the HILLARY PREMIER SOCCER ASSOCIATION. Featuring teams in all of the larges 120 cities, SIX DIFFERENT LEAGUES WITH PROMOTION AND RELEGATION. Those other foreign leagues may as well be going to watch youth soccer at the park on Saturday: Really weird to be at unless you have a kid playing.
Shoot, Hillary would have payments made to those FIFA higher ups that would be so secret half of the people wouldn’t know they’d been paid for helping the USA get the next eight men’s and women’s World Cups until they cut into their newly delivered couches and realized that they cushions were stuffed with money.
Famous soccer player from France, England, Spain, Portugal? Not any more. Those guys and gals are all Americans now. There may be a wall on the way, but Hillary will cut a secret hole in to let these soccer stars right on through and onto the pitch in no time.
So yeah, when the USSF read this, I fully expect them to do the right thing and tell all these other clowns who are still technically in the running for President to hit the bricks and go back to claiming they like soccer.
There’s only one person for the job, and she’s be wearing a red, white, and blue pantsuit to the 2026 World Cup opening ceremony. Which the USA will win without losing or giving up a goal.