Cucks in Deep: What are the odds that a player gets vertigo in the same division as a Hitchcock?

Welcome to Cucks in Deep, a weekly right-wing (hockey term!) hockey column about all of the conspiracies and news going on in the world of hockey that the NHL and other leagues don’t want you to know about and the lamestream media are too afraid to report on. But not us.

For the last 10 years or so, one of the constants in the NHL has been the Chicago Blackhawks being in contention for the Stanley Cup. That run has included three championships, a near-miss in Game 7 of the Western Conference Finals, and not once missing the playoffs.

That has not been the case this year, as of this writing the Blackhawks find themselves four points out of a playoff spot, and one big reason for that has been the absence of goalie Corey Crawford, who has been outstanding when he’s played (2.27 GAA, .929 Save%, and a 16-9-2 record), but he’s only played in half of Chicago’s game this year, and there were questions about if he would return at all this season after it was revealed he was dealing with a bout of vertigo.

Now, you’re probably wondering what vertigo is.

Vertigo is commonly caused by a problem with the way balance works in the inner ear, although it can also be caused by problems in certain parts of the brain. Causes of vertigo may include: benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) – where certain head movements trigger vertigo.

That seems bad if you’re a goalie in the NHL where you need precise movements and great balance to stop pucks that are coming at you at around 100 mph.

But you know what else vertigo is? That’s right, a classic movie starring James Stewart and Kim Novak.

From IMBD, Vertigo is about:

A San Francisco detective suffering from acrophobia investigates the strange activities of an old friend’s wife, all the while becoming dangerously obsessed with her.

Now, the key word in here is acrophobia, a feat of heights. And whoa, suddenly Corey Crawford has vertigo, possibly because he has a fear of heights? In this case, the height of leading a fading team to the top of the NHL mountain again? Hmmm.

But it goes deeper.

Guess who directed the film Vertigo? That’s right, Alfred Hitchcock. The head coach of the Dallas Stars, who are in the same division as the Blackhawks, and one of the teams they are chasing for the final playoff spot? Ken Hitchcock.

Gee, funny how that works. Think there’s not a connection? Check out my detective work (Vertigo tie-in reference) on this:

Crawford

Let’s start from the modern era and work out way backwards.

Corey Crawford is a goalie in the NHL who is suffering from a condition called vertigo, and who happens to play in the same division as a team coached by Ken Hitchcock, that is ahead of them in the standings. Ken shares a last name with legendary movie maker Alfred Hitchcock, who made a movie called Vertigo in 1958.

This whole theory works in reverse, with Alfred making a movie in 1958, passing it along to Ken, who infiltrates the NHL, takes down one of the league’s top goalies, and sinks that team’s playoff chances, and that team just happens to be in the same division as the team he currently coaches. Life comes at you full circle, so to speak.

Now, Ken and Alfred are obviously related in some way (I mean just look at those double-chins in the pictures up there, no way that’s not a family gene), and Alfred was a master of suspense and making people feel uncomfortable and facing their fears, both in the film and for the people enjoying it in the theater. Ken very likely learned those same traits from his “uncle” and how to pass them on to people, but never learned how to help those people get over their fears and problems. And that’s how a guy who made a movie called Vertigo 60 years ago helped a hockey coach pass along a case of vertigo to a very important hockey player, in order to sink his rival’s hopes at a playoff run, securing his own spot in said playoffs.

If I’ve seen it once I’ve seen it a thousand times.

So what are the odds that a player in the same division as a Hitchcock would come down with a bout of vertigo? Pretty damn likely if you know what you’re looking for.

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