Well folks, they went and did it.
They RUINED the game of baseball and the sanctity of the game by announcing today (Thursday) that ALL Major League Baseball stadiums will be required to have expanded safety netting this season, with the netting expanding to at least the side of the dugout farthest from home plate.
And there’s only one group of people to blame folks, that’s right, millennials, who are killing diamonds, golf, retirement, racism, MEN’S rights, and everything else that made America what it is. And now they’ve finally done it and destroyed the most American thing not named apple pie. And apple pie is probably next because it has gluten and sugar in it and it offends the libs that you have to cut down a tree to make pies.
BUT BACK TO BASEBALL.
Attendance at MLB games is stronger than ever, but you know what isn’t? ATTENTION at games. That’s right, instead of being captivated by these strapping young men grabbing their groins and spitting tobacco at every step, these youths are busy snapgramming and tweetbooking and not paying attention to the game.
That means these kids aren’t looking up at the field and are going to get bonked in the head by a measly foul ball. Let me tell you, when I was a kid and going to baseball games we brought our GLOVE and LOVE of the game to the ballpark, not a phone, because the action on the field was what we had to distract us from REAL problems facing the world, like the Ruskies threatening to bomb us every day. Did that stop me from yelling insults at Norm Cash? Absolutely not. And now instead of going home with souvenirs and a great shot of men wearing tight pants, what do I get for spending MY hard-earned money? An obstructed view. Thanks a bunch kids.
And MLB probably won’t give me or the people in MY section a refund of discount on seats, or a free baseball for all the ones I can’t catch now because that net is in the way, but still probably instead tell us that it’s for the best that there’s a big net in the way. You know who didn’t need a big net to protect his fans and followers? Jesus, that’s who.
So thanks a bunch MLB and you millennials, you’ve ruined baseball and America.
Just kidding, I think this is actually a great idea and was long overdue. Seriously, I went to a Tigers-Indians game this summer and the protective netting at Comerica Park was like 30 feet wide, how nobody ever died in the super close seats is beyond me.