The men’s portion of Olympic Hockey gets underway Wednesday (very early) morning here in North America. There’s no NHL players at this year’s games, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be a fun tournament that still has quite a few very good players, and a number of guys casual hockey fans might recognize.

But who is set to win the Gold in this strange Olympic year? We try and figure that out, as well as giving you a list of players for each team that you might remember or recognize.

Group A

Canada

Players you might recognize: Justin Peters, Ben Scrivens, Chris Lee, Andrew Ebbett, Rob Klinkhammer, Mason Raymond, Derek Roy

Maxim Lapierre – You’ll probably recognize this guy because he’s a gigantic piece of shit who had a penchant for taking post-whistle scrums a bit too far while being unable to hit the broad side of a barn with the puck. It’s gonna suck ass watching this shithead play again and I’m not looking forward to it.

Rene Bourque – In his heyday, he put up 58 and 50 point seasons back to back. Unfortunately, those were 2010-12.

Wojtek Wolski – Please take one game to a shootout and put this guy directly into my veins.

 

Czech Republic

Players you might recognize:  Jiri Sekac

Martin Erat – This guy got traded (along with career AHLer Michael Latta) for Filip Forsberg. How fun!

South Korea

Players you might recognize: Probably none.

Switzerland

Players you might recognize:

Jonas Hiller – Real shame this guy couldn’t stay healthy or focused. Put on a show in the 2009 playoffs and never really looked good again.

Group B

Slovakia

Players you might recognize:

Ladislav Nagy – He played 400 games! That’s how accomplished this team is. How nice.

Slovenia

Players you might recognize:

Jan Mursak – Failed Red Wings prospect.

Olympic Athletes from Russia

Players you might recognize: Alexey Marchenko, Nikita Nesterov, Slava Voynov, Pavel Datsyuk, Mikhail Grigorenko, Ilya Kovalchuk, Vadim Shpachyov

Yeah, not gonna bother with any smart little quips here. You probably know who these guys are.

USA

Players you might recognize: Brian Gionta, Ryan Donato, Chris Bourque, Jim Slater, James Wisniewski, Troy Terry, Marc Acrobello, David Leggio

Interesting mix of guys who were released from NHL tryouts 3 years ago and guys who won the Under 20 gold last year. So that’s gonna work

Jordan Greenway – Greenway will break the color barrier for USA hockey at the Olympics which is historic and also kind of embarrassing.

Group C

Germany

Players you might recognize: Christian Erhoff, Marcel Goc

Couple of former NHL mid-range talents, except that one year Erhoff was really good.

Finland

Players you might recognize: Karri Ramo, Lasse Kukkonen,

Eeli Tolvanen – Predators prospect is scoring for fun in Sweden and will be a sorely needed addition to a Nashville squad hurting for depth scoring. Hahahahah. Oh man they’re so good.

Norway

Players you might recognize: Probably none.

Sweden

Players you might recognize: Jhonas Enroth, Viktor Stalberg, Viktor Fasth, Carl Clingberg, Anton Lander, Erik Gustafsson

Rasmus Dahlin – Think “Connor McDavid but he plays defense.” Will be the #1 pick in the draft, and will probably be an Oiler because there is no God.

Linus Omark – Just get to a shootout and put this guy directly in my veins.

Projection

Gold: Russia

Silver: Sweden

Bronze: Who cares

Look, we can wax poetic about grit, grind, and hard work all we want but when I look at this, all I see is Pavel Datsyuk, Ilya Kovalchuk, Slava Voynov, and Alexy Marchenko shooting on Ben Scrivens and Dave Leggio. Nothing good can come of that and even if the US and Canada were allowed to bring in ringer goalies to beef up these rosters, I still say Russia takes it in a walk.

If any team manages to take Russia to overtime, it should be considered an achievement.