It’s no secret that hockey fans in the United States are not big fans of NBC’s coverage of their favorite game.

They claim the announcers and analysts are biased towards their team (hooo boy you should search Twitter for Caps’ fans thoughts on this), and overall just don’t represent hockey in the modern era, or even come close to presenting things modern hockey fans want to see.

I don’t think their announcers are bad, guys like Mike Emrick, Kenny Albert, Chris Cuthbert, and John Forslund are fine, but I do think that their analysts, mainly Pierre McGuire, Mike Milbury, and Jeremy Roenick are awful.

And worst of all for hockey fans, the bigger the game, the more likely the chance is that Pierre, Mike, and Jeremy are there. Seriously, the games that NBC deems aren’t “marquee” or whatever seem to get the better, smarter crews, and that’s supposedly NBC’s “B” or “C” team. That seems backwards.

It’s insulting to hockey fans to have to listen to the trio of Pierre, Mike, and Jeremy for three hours every night, because it’s clear they know nothing about modern hockey, and are stuck in this idea of 1993 where it’s hit first, hit second, throw a punch, and maybe try and score after all that. There’s a reason none of these clowns work for an actual hockey team these days, and instead have to spew trash as an “expert” every night.

Let’s start with Pierre. First off, he’s a star fucker and would clean any decent player’s jock strap with his tongue if asked, but that’s a whole different thing. During last night’s Tampa Bay-Boston game, the camera showed two players on the Tampa bench, and Pierre, who is reportedly the smart one of this trio, said something to the effect of, “These guys are anti-analytics, they just win games.” What the fuck does that even mean? If somebody helps you win games, they are probably a good player by analytical measures. It was a take and opinion so bad I half-expected him to have an offer from some stupid team to make him the new GM. He offered no reason as to why they are good at helping win games, probably because that would mean mentioning some stat, aka analytics, on why they help the team win. Nope, instead it was basically him just saying, “these guys want it more, they have heart, they have grit, blah blah blah.” It’s a ham-fisted argument of, “I PLAYED IN HIGH SCHOOL SO I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!” And again, that’s from Pierre, who is reportedly the smart one.

And then there’s Mike Milbury. Mike Milbury should never be on TV to explain winning hockey or good hockey in any way. The only reason he should be on a hockey broadcast is if somehow a segment on attacking a fan with a shoe is needed. I swear he’s only on the broadcast to infuriate fans and told before every game, “Yeah Mike, not that it’s hard, but say the dumbest thing you can think of about this game or player to outrage the people watching at home.” Every argument he makes is basically him saying he could beat you up.

During Game 2 of the Pens-Caps series, noted criminal Tom Wilson made a nice pass. A, as in one, nice pass. Mike and Jeremy Spent easily four minutes on this pass and just how great Tom Wilson is and how his game wills a team to win. Puke. Tom Wilson should be a jail. He’s a no talent hack who is only out there to injure people. He had a career year this season and put up a whopping 35 points. And yet, Mike and JR think this is a must-have guy on your team. It’s not just Tom Wilson, any trash player who plays with a hint of physicality, and suddenly makes one competent play, these guys sit there and fawn over how great they are for an hour. If they were so great, they’d score more than once every 10 games for a whopping eight goals a year.

And then there’s Jeremy Roenick. The fence post in my front yard has more charm and charisma than him, and probably looks less wooden in the face too. The guy is so backwards in everything, from his hockey knowledge, to his politics, to his taste in music, that he should be locked in a bunker and never let out. He’s the big tough guy who loves the way some goon plays, talks about how he’d fight back if a player did something like that to him, then cries like a baby on TV when a team he played for 15 years ago wins a cup.

Fans want smart hockey knowledge, or if it’s not going to be smart, at least be decent and not feature three mouth breathers who cover hockey in 2018 like they’re still in 1992. There’s never talk of analytics, and if there is it’s about how they don’t believe in such things.

It sucks, and it’s both unfair and insulting to hockey fans who want more than just three former jamokes yamming on about how the game was when they played.